I recently got a board game...

And I recognized the theme. It's just like this blog, except sanitized.

But it means I've got an entire box of options, I'll never have to come up with original material again! (Though I might.)

So, the first card I picked out: David Bowie, Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler

(An easy one, right?)

Marry David Bowie - He's cool, he's hip and that makes me Iman.

Boff Mick Jagger - The Rolling Stones are one of the biggest bands of all time, so that's quite the feat if you can bag the Jag. He's not aging well, but what the hell.

Kill Steven Tyler - Liv can already keep the family name going and frankly Aerosmith, while retro-cool*, kinda sucks.


* Retro-cool means no matter how terrible something is, once it is a certain age, it goes through an age of "Retro-cool" because it helps to bring back memories of a forgotten time. It then becomes cheezy (like your Air Supply hits), then Classic. A lot of classic tunes are actually terrible, but later in life that gets cleared from the slate.

I want to suck your boff!

I can’t exactly say I am a huge fan of vampire stuff, I mean, I don’t run out to buy the newest series of books or anything like that, but there is something oddly appealing about vampires. All dark and mysterious and baaad.

Me likey.

With the influx of vamp-related movies and tv shows right now, why not jump on the bandwagon and boff a couple of vamps. Ok, well, boff one, stake one and marry one.

I present to you,

Marry Boff Kill: The Vampyres.

Marry: Angel (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer – TV show, NOT movie)

Of all the vampire series, movies, books anything, for me, Buffy takes the cake. Since I am loyal to a fault, Angel would be the one I marry.

It makes perfect sense, he loses his soul if you boff him (which I would be totally tempted to do) and killing him just doesn’t make sense. He was chosen to be on the side of good after all.

Brooding, handsome, caring (even by human standards) Angel was my swoony guy in high school. After re-watching Buffy recently, those memories have come flooding back to me something fierce. No other love interest of Buffy’s ever stood up to Angel. Not even Spike.

Also, I kinda dig older dudes, and Angel was a couple hundred years old. Nice.

He was also pretty bad ass when he needed to be, which is totally hot.

Their love was epic, and ours would be too.

Boff: Bill (from True Blood)

He isn’t the most boffable from the show. No, definitely not, but for the purposes of this post, he wins the boff award.

I like that he is a real vampire (no soul, no nothing) but lives a fine line between human and vamp. He obviously cares for Sookie – Hello Sookie – which is nice, but I don’t like that he actually sleeps in a coffin. That would freak me out. I would not be boffing him in the coffin, that’s for sure.

Yes, you heard it here first, I have standards.

No, they aren’t that high.


Kill: Hands down – Edward (from Twilight)

I don’t understand. I just don’t.

What is with people and this series?! My dear friend forced me to suffer through the movie – it was nothing to write home about, that’s for sure.

I think maybe this has more to do with the series that the dude. Or possibly the annoying girls that have turned him into a teen idol.

The killing would be great! I would be hated by everyone from Perez Hilton to my 30 year old co-worker (whom I love) – but I would totally bask in the notoriety.

A stake through the heart would do Edward some good. It would also stop his love interest, Bella, from being so damn annoying.

Hopefully.

Let's Hug it Out Boff

Entourage!

Two of the boys are obvious boff boff boffs - Ari Gold and Vincent Chase - so they are out.

Thankfully, there are other boys to choose from.

Marry, Boff, Kill: Entourage.

Marry: Turtle

Duh, of course it would be Turtle. He would be the best husband - look at everything he does for the guys. He would always be grateful when you had sex and he would be the least likely to cheat on you.

Also, he isn't obsessed with his weight, so I wouldn't feel bad about myself if I gained a few pounds.

Boff:Eric
He seems like a nice enough guy. He is hard working, worked at Sbarro, so he knows his way around pizza, and he hooked up with a Perfect 10 model. With all of Vince's leftovers, he's got to be a decent lay.

And, he's short, and like I have mentioned before, I hear short dudes work harder.

Just sayin'.

Kill: Drama
Fuckin' Drama!

It isn't that he's bad looking, or even that big of a creep. It's just he seems so ... sad. I mean, he's not even his brother's favorite lackey.
Also, he seems a little crazy and anger issues just aren't hot.

Nickelboff

There's something amazing about the band Nickelback. They can take an important worldly statement and make it look so douchey. Yet, they keep selling records and ruining something we once described as music.

I was at the Junos on the weekend, and they won 3 of the top awards.

Who is voting for these things?

Anyways, Marry Boff Slaughter Mercilessly: Nickelback.

To cut down to three (y'all know that if there were 4, I'd just kill the extra one) I'm going with the members of the group who are originals (which I found on wikipedia because I have no idea who is in Nickelback, save for one royal asshat). They would be Chad Kroeger, Mike Kroeger, and Ryan Peake.



Marry Ryan Peake:
Potentially ending up with Kroeger as my last name and I have a feeling Chad might bitchslap me into doing it, is a fate worse than death. So, supposed family man, Ryan Peake, you're my man. *shudder*



Boff Mike Kroeger:
*shudder* According to wikipedia, which knows all, he's also a family man like Peake. And unlike Chad who lives on the Abbotsford compound, older brother Mike lives in Hawaii when he's not Nickelbacking.

(Side note: If Nickelbacking was a sex move, I think it means you both finish and then promptly puke - Chad because he's too drunk and you because you just realized what you've done.)


Kill Chad Kroeger:
My pleasure.

Rich Blondes of TV

My friend often comments on my obsession with the wealthy blondes of the world. And I can't deny that I do love following some of them.

I am mesmerized by them - the ease of their lives, the whole blonde thing, their clothes.

They are so much of what I will never be - at least right now. Ok, I will never go blonde, that would be dumb, at least it would look dumb.

So, here it is, Marry Boff Kill: Rich Blondes on TV.

Marry: Whitney Port

She is funny, smart, has a great sense of style, and I don't feel like everything has been handed to her.

Her Teen Vogue boss liked her, Kelly Cutrone loves her and she gets to rub elbows with Diane von Furstenberg.

I think she would be able to carry on interesting convos until we get old and grey - and she can totally hook me up with DVF's new line. Yay!

Also, she knows the person who Blair Waldorf is based on - and that is just cool.

Boff: Serena van der Woodsen

This one is by default. I can't really stand S and if B was a blonde, well, I would marry AND boff her.

But S was apparently a bit of a hoe-bag back in the day. I mean, she slept with B's bf at the time - something B hadn't even done yet.

Also, the boffing with be preceeded by $20 drinks at some swank NYC hot spot, and spending at least some time with B and Chuck Bass.

Ah, Chuck Bass.

Kill: Lauren Conrad

She was boring on Laguna Beach and has been the lamest person with a reality show since she broke up with Jason.

She whines, she was friends with Heidi and she is still friends with Brody (who no matter how cute, is just not a good dude). Also, is she ever going to graduate from fashion school?

The thing that sealed her fate: Lauren brought Heidi and Spencer into our lives.

Marry Boff Kill the Jonas Brothers

This is a super challenge for me because frankly, I have no idea who these guys are. I have never heard their music, I don't know why they are famous and I just needed to bump a post down.

Oh, and I watched an episode of South Park last night that taught me everything I know about them:

A. They are owned and operated by Disney.
B. They appeal to the Christian crowd.
C. They turn normal kids into sissies.

Lets make this short and sweet (just like the Jonas Brothers!)...

Marry the young looking Jonas Brother.
He's vaguely cuter than the other two and based on one minute of a Barbara Walters' special I accidentally watched, he is the leader singer of the band. Plus I like 'em young.

Boff the super metro emo Jonas Brother.
In the picture above, he's trying too hard with that hair-outfit-combo but he's not paperbag ugly and I'm willing to bet he's 19? Making my decision based on legality?

Kill the caterpillar eyebrowed Jonas Brother.
I get the feeling he's gonna try for a soul patch or giant mutton chops in the near future when teenage girls go off to college and he drops off the face of the earth faster than Lizzie McGuire.

Because I'm lazy

Seeing how I haven't posted for a while and that I really don't have too much ideas, I've decided to recycle an old post from my blog. This was the post that got me a writing spot on here. Too bad it didn't land me in someone's bed...harharhar!

Disclaimer: If you've been a reader of this blog for a while, you know I'm very sarcastic. I like to joke around. If you're a new reader who happens to stumble onto this blog... I'm just having a little bit of fun. Whatever is written in this post is simply my opinions resulted from reading various blogs. Please don't take the whole Marry Boff Kill seriously. Thank you. And if you're one of three that is mentioned in this entry and got offended. I'm terribly sorry. If you'd like me to remove this particular post please let me know and I will do so.

--------

Phew so now the disclaimer is out of the way. This will be the final Marry Boff Kill post on this blog because if I post more someone will totally hunt me down and eat me alive! I kid you not! I already got a warning! So unless some sort of miracle happens this is it. So let's have some fun shall we?

The three choices for this final edition of Marry Boff Kill will be.... female Vancouver bloggers.

*GASP*

*Stupid Monkey, look what you just got yourself into! Remember to look around next time you stick your head outside*

Marry Boff Kill


Wanderlust from Anywhere but here


Lisa from MostlyLisa


Loxy from You Are A Blog

*Oh boy am I asking for trouble?*

Kill Wanderlust. I'm sure she's a wonderful person in real life and her blog entries are quite entertaining to read...but sometimes it does get a bit superficial for me. I don't know maybe it's just me? From reading her blog it just doesn't sound like she's someone I'd marry or boff. And since I have to kill someone unfortunately Wanderlust is the one.

Now the next two is a toss up. It's a really tough decision when you think about it... Both are into photography; both have odd sense of humour; both are great witters; both have amazing eyes; both are cute as hell. So who will it be silly Monkey?

*After 5 minutes of hard pondering and a lot of banana eating...*

Marry Lisa. What can I say, she's the ultimate female geek. She should be at top of the list for every nerdy/geeky guy. With a hilarious video like this how can I not marry her? Not to mention she's a brunette and I simply have a thing for brunettes.


Mostly Looking for Love from Lisa Bettany on Vimeo.

Boff Loxy. What can I say, she lost to a very worth opponent. She's cute as a blonde and even cutter as a brunette (Again remember I have a thing for brunettes). Best of it all, she's a Radiohead fan too. Tons songs to choose from in the bedroom. Hehehe.